Oh Kessa :-( My heart is heavy reading what you have written here, and you articulate it so well — I can literally feel deeply all that you have endured and are still enduring. To be clear, it is NEVER ok for parents to offload onto their children about their inner turmoil, especially of the kind between themself and their spouse (your other parent), the fact that your mother still does this is not OK, in any way. Clearly she has seen that you have been through a lot, and what she should be doing is cocooning you in her love, but she isn’t — she doesn’t know how because as you so pointedly articulate, she doesn’t know how. She is only aware of her own emotions and crises and this is why you end up in this tug-of-war, push-pull, almost competitive stance when really all you are looking for is to be seen and heard by your own Mother. It’s tragic Kessa, and I’m so sorry for your pain as I totally understand your emotional tie and protectiveness of them.
But lets get to the stark facts. You are 30(?) — an adult. And you have as your birthright, freedom of choice, freedom of spirit, in this, you life’s path from this moment forward is ONLY your choice and doing. We must stand up, and take accountability of what is now, and what lies ahead, nobody can do this for us. As painful as I know this may sound, you do not owe your parents anything, but you DO owe yourself the opportunity of living a life that you have dreamed of, at the very least, you deserve to take leave of this environment where you will forever be oppressed by the neediness of others. Others that are not putting you first.
I wish you so, so much peace and love. Take care Kressa